No Runny Eggs

Lieberal politicians are not the only people who could have benefited from asking me what to do before doing something. As long as the histamines are kicking in (I’m down to my last dose of pseudophedrine, and I’m saving that for bedtime), let’s dive into the business world with a more-sarcastic tone than usual…

Letter #1 –

Dear Egg,

A bunch of illegal-immigration advocates started boycotting us after our PAC made a token donation to Jim Sensenbrenner. We realize that they’re the largest-growing demographic in America, and our operations on this side of the pond already have some experience marketing to Spanish-speaking individuals. We want to turn political, burn our bridges to Sensenbrenner and our traditional drinkers, and go after this emerging market, but we wanted your input first.

-Foggy in Londo…er, Milwaukee

Dear Foggy,

Do you really want to drive the Leinenkugel’s brand into oblivion? You might score with the pro-invasion crowd, but Drinking Right (and to a lesser extent, Drinking Liberally) notwithstanding, politics and alcohol don’t mix. Just ask Keg Goldschlager. Morever, if ex-Mexican beer drinkers are anything like American beer drinkers, they’ll drink up here what they drunk down there, and I doubt it was a SABMiller brand.

Prost!
-Egg

Letter #2 (unbelievably, this business actually did one thing that I would have recommended) –

Dear Egg,

My family business has been losing market share year after year. We’re also saddled with a bunch of recalcitrant unions who think it’s still 1966, not 2006. Our products, frankly, suck. HELP!

-Lost in Dearborn

Dear Lost,

Get someone in there who knows how to turn around a company, then get out of his (or her, as the case may be) way. I’m not going to recommend anybody specifically, but if you’re smart enough, I’m sure you can find a candidate or two.

Drive on,
-Egg

Letter #3 –

Dear Egg,

Our network is slated to run a 2-day 9/11 special based on the bipartisan 9/11 Commission report this weekend. In an unusual move for us, we plan on slamming everybody. However, our allies in politics got wind of this, and have threatened us. Considering who those allies are, we’re scared to death. Should we stick to our guns and risk a visit to Ft. Marcy Park, or should we hire Michael Moore to “edit” this special?

-Spineless in NYC

Dear Spineless,

Grow a spine. If I wanted the official DNC take on things, I’d watch “World News Tonight” (or any of your network competition, or CNN, or PMSNBC, or read the New York Slimes, or…you get the idea).

Heck, I think you never intended to have those things S(l)ick Willie and company objected to see the light of day, and that you put them in the “pre-edited” version just to raise the hopes of the majority of Americans who would rather watch The History Channel or Fox News for their 9/11 specials.

Too bad, so sad.
-Egg