This past weekend, countless Milwaukee households grappled with what to do next to put their very existence together following life-threatening rain storms last Thursday. Milwaukee Mayor Tom Barrett, still battling the severe injuries he suffered when he singlehandedly took on a weapon-wielding fanatic gone berserk last August managed to somehow on his rare day off from Milwaukee City Hall reject spending time with his family so he could survey the damage to the city he loves more than freedom itself.
Barrett emerged from his home early Saturday morning while the overwhelming majority of his constituents slept safely in their warm beds thanks to the mayor’s ongoing efforts that have stifled violent criminals in Milwaukee, The mayor saw a young woman walking a parched poodle down the street. Without hesitation, Barrett ran to his outdoor hose, and grabbing it with his still injured hand, turned the water on and hustled back to quench the animal’s thirst, the dog now lying on its side from the early morning July heat.
Aides to Barrett repeatedly asked the mayor if he wanted to drive him to the damaged areas. Barrett stoically replied, “No. I’ll walk.”
Along his path, Barrett encountered numerous constituents. One young boy, wearing knee braces and with a tear in his eye asked the mayor, “Could you help me, someday?” Barrett, choking back tears of his own replied, “Son, when I’m governor, the sick, the ill, the fragile couldn’t ask for a better friend in the state Capitol than me.”
“Thank you, Mayor,” the young boy responded.
Barrett smiled and winked to the young lad who looked happier than he’s been in months.
Before arriving at his first stop of what would be many to see the havoc Mother Nature caused, the mayor thought it best to enter a nearby church and pray for the victims and their recovery. While inside, some nuns who gathered to recite the Rosary, normally unflappable, found themselves overcome, unable to hide their emotions and show how impressed they were with Barrett.
“God bless you, sir,” said one of the nuns.
“All in a day’s work, Sister,” said Barrett.
On his route, Barrett passed four children’s lemonade stands and bought drinks at all four, offering to come to each child’s classroom in September to discuss how each and every one of them deserves a great school.
In the absence of crossing guards, Barrett also escorted nine elderly men and women, six with canes, three in wheelchairs across busy intersections.
During one stretch of his walk, Barrett encountered at least a half dozen gang members congregating on a busy street corner. Completely forgetting and ignoring the peril that struck him last year when he courageously stood up to a mad man armed with a tire iron, Barrett stopped, and after first asking the gang members if their mothers knew what they were doing, implored the young men to give up their life of crime before he enthusiastically handed them schedules to Milwaukee’s summer ethnic and church festivals.
Despite being urged by aides to pick up his pace and get to the scene of storm-ravaged homes, Barrett insisted that these were necessary stops for the good of the community and all mankind.
Barrett would, indeed, conduct his own personal assessment of the damage, visiting over 175 homes personally before the sun completely set.
Milwaukee County Executive Scott Walker, the right-wing conservative candidate who stands in the way of a fine gentleman like Tom Barrett becoming governor and whose party has often been characterized as mean-spirited had a slightly different weekend.
Having watched the 10:00 news on all local TV stations the night before and having been advised by staff that a tour of the mass destruction in Milwaukee County Saturday might be a good idea, Walker slept in until at least 10:00 the next morning.
Upon finally waking up as thousands of Milwaukee County residents feverishly worked to clean up their basements, Walker ate two rather unhealthy bowls of Captain Crunch that have caused many Wisconsinites of voting age to become obese while watching an hour of the Cartoon Network. Too much Tv viewing has also been said to contribute to obesity.
Walker then called his bookie, believed to be located in Las Vegas, and placed at least three bets against the Milwaukee Brewers, the most beloved team in our city, the team that drew three million fans the past two seasons at Miler Park, many of whom vote.
After taking a two-minute shower, Walker briefly toweled himself off, got dressed and went to Potawatomi to play some slots.
“I just love the second-hand smoke,” Walker was overheard saying to a fellow gambler. “Annoys those damn liberals.”
Upon leaving Potawatomi, a casino that has, by its very existenece destroyed numerous lives, Walker was met by a young Indian child soliciting donations for blankets. Walker refused to contribute after the girl couldn’t come up with a large campaign donation in return.
Most of the afternoon, Walker spent reading the National Review in his hammock on his outdoor patio while snacking on liver pate, crab legs, and caviar.
“Hell, it’s the weekend. Screw the brown bag crap,” said Walker.
When asked by an aide if he might want to take a personal look at the storm damage for great shots with struggling families, Walker became indignant. “This is Milwaukee. We’re a hearty bunch. Don’t they have shop vacs?”
The rest of the afternoon, Walker spent time envisioning his very first state budget as governor that would end all state aid to hospitals, nursing homes and assisted living facilities.
Saturday night, Walker sat on his front porch, throwing rocks at senior citizens walking by.
Folks, this has been a satirical look at how the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported how Tom Barrett and Scott Walker acted this past weekend following last week’s storms.
Here is the actual article the paper published.
Milwaukee’s daily, that so desperately wants Barrett to defeat Walker, may as well have gone with what I just blogged.