No Runny Eggs

The repository of one hard-boiled egg from the south suburbs of Milwaukee, Wisconsin (and the occassional guest-blogger). The ramblings within may or may not offend, shock and awe you, but they are what I (or my guest-bloggers) think.

Archive for September 7th, 2006

Ask Egg, Vol. 2

by @ 18:20. Filed under Ask Egg, Miscellaneous.

Lieberal politicians are not the only people who could have benefited from asking me what to do before doing something. As long as the histamines are kicking in (I’m down to my last dose of pseudophedrine, and I’m saving that for bedtime), let’s dive into the business world with a more-sarcastic tone than usual…

Letter #1 –

Dear Egg,

A bunch of illegal-immigration advocates started boycotting us after our PAC made a token donation to Jim Sensenbrenner. We realize that they’re the largest-growing demographic in America, and our operations on this side of the pond already have some experience marketing to Spanish-speaking individuals. We want to turn political, burn our bridges to Sensenbrenner and our traditional drinkers, and go after this emerging market, but we wanted your input first.

-Foggy in Londo…er, Milwaukee

Dear Foggy,

Do you really want to drive the Leinenkugel’s brand into oblivion? You might score with the pro-invasion crowd, but Drinking Right (and to a lesser extent, Drinking Liberally) notwithstanding, politics and alcohol don’t mix. Just ask Keg Goldschlager. Morever, if ex-Mexican beer drinkers are anything like American beer drinkers, they’ll drink up here what they drunk down there, and I doubt it was a SABMiller brand.


Letter #2 (unbelievably, this business actually did one thing that I would have recommended) –

Dear Egg,

My family business has been losing market share year after year. We’re also saddled with a bunch of recalcitrant unions who think it’s still 1966, not 2006. Our products, frankly, suck. HELP!

-Lost in Dearborn

Dear Lost,

Get someone in there who knows how to turn around a company, then get out of his (or her, as the case may be) way. I’m not going to recommend anybody specifically, but if you’re smart enough, I’m sure you can find a candidate or two.

Drive on,

Letter #3 –

Dear Egg,

Our network is slated to run a 2-day 9/11 special based on the bipartisan 9/11 Commission report this weekend. In an unusual move for us, we plan on slamming everybody. However, our allies in politics got wind of this, and have threatened us. Considering who those allies are, we’re scared to death. Should we stick to our guns and risk a visit to Ft. Marcy Park, or should we hire Michael Moore to “edit” this special?

-Spineless in NYC

Dear Spineless,

Grow a spine. If I wanted the official DNC take on things, I’d watch “World News Tonight” (or any of your network competition, or CNN, or PMSNBC, or read the New York Slimes, or…you get the idea).

Heck, I think you never intended to have those things S(l)ick Willie and company objected to see the light of day, and that you put them in the “pre-edited” version just to raise the hopes of the majority of Americans who would rather watch The History Channel or Fox News for their 9/11 specials.

Too bad, so sad.

One more for the roll

by @ 17:53. Filed under The Blog.

Whether you’re a pilot or a conservative, The Big Pilot is a great read. I’m just a bit slow in updating the roll.

Attention gambling degenerates – NFL 2006 Week 1

by @ 17:03. Filed under Sports.

The NFL season starts tonight (in less than 3 hours, in fact). With that, it’s time to crush your man again. The odds come to us from via Yahoo, and my early-season commentary should prove to be as inane as ever.

Sept. 7 –
Miami (+1) @ Pittsburgh – No Big Ben, no win for the Stillers.

Sept. 10 –
Denver (-4) @ St. Louis – AFC dominance continues unabated
NY Jets @ Tennessee (-2.5) – When in doubt, remember that the J-E-T-S S*CK SU*K SUC*!
Atlanta @ Carolina (-5) – Michael Vick STILL is not a passer, and Carolina is easily the class of the NFC
Cincinnati (+1.5) @ Kansas City – The BenGALS made a believer out of me last year.
Seattle (-6.5) @ Detroit – Somebody has to win this not-so-classic matchup of a Super Bowl loser and Duh Lions.
Philadelphia (-6) @ Houston – Layeth the lumber.
Baltimore @ Tampa Bay (-3) – Actually, the under 34 is a better bet than taking either team sans the half-point.
New Orleans @ Cleveland (-3) – See above. The NewBrowns could finish with 6 wins in any NFC division.
Buffalo (+9.5) @ New England – Neither team has a defense, so take the over 41 as well.
Chicago (-4) @ Green Bay – Over/under on calls for Mike McCarthy’s head – 10:22 left in the 3rd quarter (and put me down for the under, though my calls are for Wile E. Thompson’s head)
San Francisco (+7.5) @ Arizona – You may like the points, you may want the points, and if your man is honest, you’ll get the points, but you’re not gonna need them. Warner’s over the hill.
Dallas (+2) @ Jacksonville – I’m not taking Dallas just because I have She on my fantasy team; really, I’m not.
Indianapolis (-3.5) @ NY Giants – Why, oh why couldn’t the defenses just crush both Mannings?

Sept. 11 –
Minnesota @ Washington (-4.5) – It will be a 3-way battle for last in the NFC North.
San Diego (-3) @ Oakland – Two letters; LT

(Cross-posted at TheWisconsinSportsBar)

[No Runny Eggs is proudly powered by WordPress.]