No Runny Eggs

With all the bad news the ‘Rats suffered this week, you would have thought they would have asked an advice columnist before doing their business. Oh well, let’s set the DeLorean for before the ‘Rats did their bad news, pretend that I’m in the business of providing free advice to ‘Rats, and roll with it…

Letter #1 –

Dear Egg,

I’m a retiree who, for inexplicable reasons, fled Chicago. Now, I’ve got these moonbats trying to tell me to do a Loserman to a state Senator and use the slogan, “A ‘Rat who votes like a ‘Rat.” There is, however, a slight problem. They don’t know that I really DO vote like a ‘Rat, going so far as to vote twice for Al Gore in November, 2000. I can’t find my lucky coin, so help me decide.

– Conflicted in Cudahy

Dear Conflicted,

Where did you say you double-voted? Looks like you picked the wrong county to do half of your double-voting. Not only is Paul Bucher a charge-’em-all type of DA, he’s in a hotly-contested primary for AG. It’s best to let sleeping dogs lie and let the clock run out on any potential charges. Besides, Plale sacrificed most of his principles from when he was an Assemblyman.

Regards,
-Egg

Letter #2 –

Dear Egg,

I only have two qualifications for attorney general: I’m extremely soft on crime, and I didn’t crash a state-owned car while drunk. I tried to keep the campaign clean and run on my soft-on-crime record, but I haven’t picked up any traction. I’ve even started to allude to my primary opponent’s misadventure on Hwy 151, and that hasn’t helped. Should I go completely on the attack?

– Batty in Dane County

Dear Batty,

Keep on doing what you’re doing. The ‘Rat primary is dominated by the soft-on-crime types, and you are undeniably the softest-on-crime candidate ever to run. If you’re not successful, you’ll have let that bucket of slime out in the open. It’s no longer 1988, where the only source of “news” is your party’s official mouthpiece, so you ‘Rats can’t expect to repeat the Horton smear history.

Best of luck, at least in September.
-Egg

Letter #3 –

Dear Egg,

I am truly desperate. I spent the last month alone on the airwaves, trying to paint my opponent as too extreme. However, with one commercial, he completely neutered all my efforts. I do have a plan to shut up his campaign for the next two weeks, but it involves getting my State Elections Board to apply a rule change I shoved through to a time period when it was still only under consideration, and get them to ignore that, until the middle of July, it had been suspended by the Legislature. The SEB lawyer, who I haven’t bought, says I can’t do it, but I really need to slime my opponent to get the bloodhounds off my stench. Should I go for it?

-Desperate in Madistan

Dear Desperate,

You know the law; you used to be Attorney General. It won’t survive a legal challenge, especially considering that your advantage on the Supreme Court would have to recuse herself because she appoints a member of the board. Morever, it will look exactly like what it is, a craven, partisan, and desperate attempt to rig the election in your favor. Don’t do it!

Enjoy retirement,
-Egg

Letter #4 –

Dear Egg,

My voting record is a mess. I managed to convince the Milwaukee County DA to ignore records that say I voted twice in two different municipalities in November 1996 and state that the records are a mess without even having to get my dad, who has the same name as I do, state for the record that it was him and not me that voted in one of those places. That hasn’t dissuaded some of my critics, who have called into question where I voted in September 1998. I housesat for my dad at that time, the records say that he voted there, and I voted in the other city. The thing is, I didn’t vote in the city the records say I voted in that election. Should I roll the dice again, claim that the poll workers got it wrong once again, and get the city clerk to alter the record to remove my name from the roll that it was on?

Before you answer, remember that the same DA is still around a bit longer, and my party controls both the AG’s office and the SEB.

– Sweating in Tosa

Dear Sweating,

Leave sleeiping dogs lie, and keep your mouth shut. Even though the statute of limitations on vote fraud in the 1998 election has passed, it just wouldn’t look good to bring it up again by saying you didn’t vote in Tosa. It’s a lot easier to get people to accept that the election workers made one mistake than it is to get them to accept the election workers made three.

Morever, even though the DA is and will be a no-charge DA, having the voting record changed is a felony. You can’t count on your party holding onto the AG’s office, and since it was a US House and US Senate primary, there just might be a federal “hook” to get US Attorney Steve Biskupic involved. Trust me, you don’t want him sniffing around.

Remember, silence is golden.
-Egg

You know, I should miss a few days of blogging more often ;-)