No Runny Eggs

I won’t be recapping the 4-9-1 debacle (putting me at 21-24-1). Let’s, however, push ahead to Week 4 so we can get back above .500:

Indianapolis (-9) @ NY Jets – It’s an even week, so the J-E-T-S will S*CK! SU*K! SUC*! The Colts should be able to get close to the over/under all by themselves, so take the over-47.5 too.
San Diego (-1.5) @ Baltimore – I told you I would have my revenge on the OldBrowns, and the cold dish will be served today.
Minnesota (+1) @ Buffalo – You may like/want/get the point, but you won’t need it. You will, however, want to take it and at least 35 more to net you the over-35 as well.
Dallas (-10) @ Tennessee – The TItans’ D will be no more effective than the not-quite-lethal cocktail that TO took.
San Francisco @ Kansas City (-7) – Take steak over rice.
New Orleans (+7) @ Carolina – Can someone tell me just how the Panthers are a touchdown favorite? Make your killings here.
Arizona @ Atlanta (-7.5) – It’s Christmas in October for gamblers.
Miami (-4) @ Houston – Ron Freaking Dayne is starting for Duh Texans. That says it all.
Detroit @ St Louis (-6) – Wrong dome for the Lions.
New England @ Cincinnati (-6) – This isn’t the week that they go back to being the BenGALS.
Jacksonville @ Washington (+3) – Call me a sucker, call me contrarian, but at 6:30, please call me a winner.
Cleveland (-3) @ Oakland – The bye covered against Duh Raiders last week.
Seattle @ Chicago (-3.5) – The only question is will the Bears’ defense outscore the offense.
Green Bay @ Philadelphia (-11) – It could be -22 and I would still take the Eaglets.

The byes are starting this weekend, and the man can’t be happier because there’s 2 less games for him to give up money on. Let’s strive for a 14-0 blowout special to put the “d” in his depression. As always, the lines are fresh from bodog.com, and if you’re betting illegally, I never heard of you.

Green Bay (+7) @ Detroit – I know what I just said, but since everybody is taking last week’s advice, you need to switch it up to make money this week.
Chicago (-4.5) @ Minnesota – Grossman’s good for a few more weeks, then the Bears become a 1-dimensional team.
NY Jets @ Buffalo (-6) – And the New York Media goes apoplectic.
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh (pick’em) – Damn, but this is a tough one. The coin said, “Stillers”.
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-7) – The Jags are real, but this is the very definition of a letdown game.
Tennessee @ Miami (-11) – The chant in Tennessee – “We want Vince Young”. Bad news for them; the coach doesn’t think he’s ready.
Washington (-4.5) @ Houston – Texans fans are wishing they had Vince Yooung (or Reggie Bush or Matt Leinart, or anybody that can help out on offense).
Carolina (-3.5) @ Tampa Bay – Who saw this being a Toilet Bowl-quality game at the beginning of the month? You liar! Take the under-34 for some extra teeth-smashing.
Baltimore (-7.5) @ Cleveland – Once again, the OldBrowns will get their revenge on the NFL.
St. Louis @ Arizona (-4.5) – Anyone think that Kurt Warner isn’t up for this game?
NY Giants (+3.5) @ Seattle – The Seahags finally run into a real team. Take the over-42.5.
Philadelphia (-6.5) @ San Francisco – The fairy tale is over.
Denver @ New England (-7) – The real Snake has slithered up, and it ain’t pretty in the mountains.
Atlanta @ New Orleans (+4) – The Dirty Birds are a 1-dimensional team, and the Saints are built to flatten that dimension. Throw in the emotion factor, and this dog’s bite will be worse than its loud bark.

I wanted to get this done earlier than today considering I went 10-6 to get above .500 for the year (17-15), but one thing obviously led to another. Oh well, it’s time to recap the redemption:

New Orleans 34 (-3) @ Green Bay 27 – Time to ReWriteâ„¢ what I said last week; until Duh Pack gets Duh Lions outside in December, give the points.
Detroit 7 (+8.5) @ Chicago 34 – Over/under on Grossman’s season-ending injury – Week 8. Until then, don’t take the under.
Oakland 6 @ Baltimore 20 (-13) – The OldBrowns were feeling generous.
Houston 24 @ Indianapolis 43 (-14) – I don’t remember what the over/under was, but if you also took the over, you had enough lumber left for a deck.
Cleveland 17 @ Cincinnati 34 (-11) – The scary thing is Palmer isn’t playing that well.
Buffalo 16 (+6.5) @ Miami 6 – I should’ve specifically told you to take the under too. I thought the “tale of no offenses” was enough.
Carolina 13 (+1.5) @ Minnesota 16 – Paging Wile E. Thompson (mud spelled backwards), are you sticking by the “kickers are overrated too” line?
New York Giants 30 @ Philadelphia 24 (-3) – Too bad the Iggles’ D folded like a cheap card table in the 4th and OT. Damn that OT.
Tampa Bay 3 @ Atlanta 14 (-6) – And there’s no Jim Lovell to save the command module.
St Louis 13 (-3) @ San Francisco 20 – Where did the defenses come from?
Arizona 10 (+7) @ Seattle 21 – Somebody forgot to tell Green it’s not December.
New England 24 (-6.5) @ NY Jets 17 – J-E-T-S S*CK! SU*K! SUC*! Too bad they don’t play Duh Pack.
Tennessee 7 @ San Diego 40 (-12) – Joan Rivers went 25-35 in the blowout.
Kansas City 6 (+11-WIN) @ Denver 9 – Did I say I hate OT? Er, never mind.
Washington 10 @ Dallas 27 (-7) – Time to see if TO can heal fast again.
Pittsburgh 0 (-3) @ Jacksonville 9 – Big Ben was back, but the Stillers ran into trouble.

I waffled between the game and the race, with much the same result in both. A couple of quick thoughts of my own before we head to the Cheddarsphere for the rest of the autopsy:

• The defense can play…for 15 minutes. Unfortunately, they need to play for 60.
• If Holmgren were still here, the waiver wire would be filled with Ahman Green and various receivers who can’t hang onto the ball.
• Reggie Bush hasn’t figured out yet that the NFL is much faster than the NCAA. Once he does, though, look out.
• See below for my thoughts on Wile E. Thompson (mud spelled backwards) and E. Michael McCan’thy.

Now, the few brave souls that didn’t find something more fulfilling to do with a Sunday afternoon, like painting (last updated 6:30 am 9/18/2006):

• Mike found some positives. I’m surprised he didn’t file this under “20 years of bad football”.
• Kevin says, “Don’t do illegal things to get you through 20 years of bad football.”
• In an early report, Mary marvelled that the Pack actually scored. She hasn’t been seen since. She finally got out of the stupor induced by quarters 2, 3 and 4 late last night.
• Troy blames Jim Doyle for the 0-2 start.
• Native Texan Kate gloats. Go ahead; I’m gloating over my 10-5 performance against the line.
• The head barkeep lays odds on the #1 pick in the 2007 draft. I only hope that Wile E. isn’t in a position to blow that pick.
• Jib got back home too late for the highlights, but arrived just in time for the lowlights.
• Dennis York endured the ultimate torture; a trip from Madistan to Lambeau Field via the Marquette Interchange. Be thankful you didn’t have to go south; we South Siders don’t matter worth a damn to the Craps DOT (seriously, it’s kind of hard to connect temporary ramps to the High Rise).

Allow me to give it the Lazamataz “We’re all gonna die!!!!” treatment.

So I went 7-9 and only nailed 1 of my 2 over/unders. There’s still 16 weeks left, but let’s quickly review Weak 1 before moving on to Week 2 and redemption…

Miami 17 (+1) @ Pittsburgh 28 – I’m glad that Batch didn’t play for Duh Lions.
Denver 10 (-4) @ St. Louis 18 – Snakebit again.
NY Jets 23 @ Tennessee 16 (-2.5) – Damn it, damn it, damn iiiiit!
Atlanta 20 @ Carolina 6 (-5) – At least I was right about Vick not being a passer.
Cincinnati 23 (+1.5) @ Kansas City 10 – Who needs an offense when you have a defense?
Seattle 9 (-6.5-LOSS) @ Detroit 6 – And the Super Bowl Loser Slump™ begins early.
Philadelphia 24 (-6) @ Houston 10 – Lumber laid. You think the Texans could’ve used Bush?
Baltimore 27 @ Tampa Bay 0 (-3) – At least I told you to take the under, but who knew the OldBrowns had an offense?
New Orleans 19 @ Cleveland 14 (-3) – Bad news for this week; the Aint’s are on a roll.
Buffalo 17 (+9.5-WIN) @ New England 19 – Who knew neither team had an offense either?
Chicago 26 (-4) @ Green Bay 0 – Let the chants begin!
San Francisco 27 (+7.5-WIN) @ Arizona 34 – I’m glad I got the points.
Dallas 17 (+2) @ Jacksonville 24 – I knew that was a bad reason to take the Pokes.
Indianapolis 26 (-3.5) @ NY Giants 21 – To answer last week’s question, it’s because neither team has a defense.
Minnesota 19 @ Washington 16 (-4.5) – We really need something bad to happen to Brad Johnson; he just wins, baby.
San Diego 27 (-3) @ Oakland – Repeating – Two letters; LT.

With that out of the way, let’s head on over to bodog.com and grab this week’s smorgasbord of NFL action. As last week proved, you’re an idiot if you take my advice and gamble with Knock-Knees Tony, so be warned that I do not cover any broken knees, fingers, necks, taxes or lawyers’ fees –

New Orleans (-3) @ Green Bay – Until the Pack proves otherwise (or, more likely, until they get Duh Viqueens and Duh Lions outside in December), give the points.
Detroit (+8.5) @ Chicago – Special teams are rarely good for more than 5 points, so also take the under-32.
Oakland @ Baltimore (-13) – If you can’t score against the Bolts, you can’t score period.
Houston @ Indianapolis (-14) – This is turning into an all-lumber weekend. Start building your dream home.
Cleveland @ Cincinnati (-11) – The NewBrowns can’t win at home against the Aint’s, what makes anyone think they have a chance against the BENgals?
Buffalo (+6.5) @ Miami – Again, it’s a tale of no offenses. They’re already calling for Culpepper’s head in Miami, not realizing the absolute disaster waiting in the wings.
Carolina (+1.5) @ Minnesota – You may like the 1 1/2 points, you may want the 1 1/2 points, and by law, if you gamble legally, you’ll get the 1 1/2 points, but you’re not gonna need them. The Panther Super Bowl Express gets back on the train this week.
New York Giants @ Philadelphia (-3) – Philly has a bit of a defense, the G-men don’t.
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (-6) – Chuckie, we have a problem. We have a complete defensive failure, a main offense undervolt, multiple caution and warning lights.
St Louis (-3) @ San Francisco – Take the over-43.5 as the main play here.
Arizona (+7) @ Seattle – It ain’t December yet, so Denny Green isn’t in full-choke mode yet.
New England (-6.5) @ NY Jets – I said it before, I’ll say it again, so I’ll spare you the chant this week.
Tennessee @ San Diego (-12) – Heck, Joan Rivers could start at QB and the Bolts would still cover.
Kansas City (+11) @ Denver – So I was wrong; it’s not a all-lumber weekend.
Washington @ Dallas (-7) – Any week TO and She can stay out of Tuna’s net is a good week to take the ‘Boys.
Pittsburgh (-3) @ Jacksonville – You heard it here first; Big Ben’s back, and the Jags are in trouble.

(Cross-posted at TheWisconsinSportsBar)

I was 3/4ths-dead and completely unconscious by 3:15 (no, I didn’t play Jeff Wagner’s Drinking Game; I managed to reload the pseudophedrine, and that and my allergies did me in), so my contribution to the post-mortem of the 26-0 drubbing by Duh Bears is, “Fire Wile E. Thompson, mud spelled backwards!” Better takes from those with stouter sinuses:

• Chris should’ve remained as disinterested as he was at half; he was completely pissed off by the end of the game, throwing out the “wait until next year” line.
• I’ve already linked to Dennis York’s McCarthy comparo, but I’ll do it again.
• The Huckleberry Mike, who has already dubbed this 20 years of bad football, sarcastically notes that the Pack held Duh Bears to 1 offensive touchdown. Duh Bears’ offense will be held to 1 touchdown or less most of the season, so that’s not an accomplishment.
• The Big Pilot wonders what the “early bird discount” from Mel Kiper is. I’m surprised he hasn’t called for the NTSB to send a Go team to Green Bay.
• Peter echoes the 20 years of bad football theme and openly speculates on Favre’s chances of ending the season in a Packers uniform.
• Marcus Aurelius, who did the smart thing and went to Miller Park today, thinks that it can only get better. I blame his irrational exuberance on the afterglow of the Brew Crew win.

I’m sure there’s plenty more out there, but my feed reader only has so much room. The Aints come to town next week, fresh off their 19-14 upset road victory over the NewBrowns.

Inspiration – Dennis York’s “Wisconsin’s History of Disgraced McCarthys

“I’m no big time Charlie.”

The NFL season starts tonight (in less than 3 hours, in fact). With that, it’s time to crush your man again. The odds come to us from Bodog.com via Yahoo, and my early-season commentary should prove to be as inane as ever.

Sept. 7 –
Miami (+1) @ Pittsburgh – No Big Ben, no win for the Stillers.

Sept. 10 –
Denver (-4) @ St. Louis – AFC dominance continues unabated
NY Jets @ Tennessee (-2.5) – When in doubt, remember that the J-E-T-S S*CK SU*K SUC*!
Atlanta @ Carolina (-5) – Michael Vick STILL is not a passer, and Carolina is easily the class of the NFC
Cincinnati (+1.5) @ Kansas City – The BenGALS made a believer out of me last year.
Seattle (-6.5) @ Detroit – Somebody has to win this not-so-classic matchup of a Super Bowl loser and Duh Lions.
Philadelphia (-6) @ Houston – Layeth the lumber.
Baltimore @ Tampa Bay (-3) – Actually, the under 34 is a better bet than taking either team sans the half-point.
New Orleans @ Cleveland (-3) – See above. The NewBrowns could finish with 6 wins in any NFC division.
Buffalo (+9.5) @ New England – Neither team has a defense, so take the over 41 as well.
Chicago (-4) @ Green Bay – Over/under on calls for Mike McCarthy’s head – 10:22 left in the 3rd quarter (and put me down for the under, though my calls are for Wile E. Thompson’s head)
San Francisco (+7.5) @ Arizona – You may like the points, you may want the points, and if your man is honest, you’ll get the points, but you’re not gonna need them. Warner’s over the hill.
Dallas (+2) @ Jacksonville – I’m not taking Dallas just because I have She on my fantasy team; really, I’m not.
Indianapolis (-3.5) @ NY Giants – Why, oh why couldn’t the defenses just crush both Mannings?

Sept. 11 –
Minnesota @ Washington (-4.5) – It will be a 3-way battle for last in the NFC North.
San Diego (-3) @ Oakland – Two letters; LT

(Cross-posted at TheWisconsinSportsBar)

Round 1 – AJ Hawk – Mighty fine pick, especially since the Texans and Titans fouled up their higher picks.

Round 2 – Greg Jennings, Daryn Colledge – As things stand now, I would rather have not traded down and taken Chad Jackson. Of course, if they get a diamond in the rough with that extra 6th-round pick, I reserve the right to change my mind.. I would’ve liked Jackson instead of Jennings straight-up, but it was a 3rd-rounder instead of a 6th-rounder they got, and I like Spitz. I guess they’re looking at moving either Clifton or Tauscher inside, because Colledge would be a far better fit at tackle than guard (he’s simply too undersized to play inside).

Round 3 – Abdul Hodge, Jason Spitz – The linebacking corp is set for 2006 and beyond with Hodge, Hawk and Barnett. Spitz looks to be a nasty guard.

My overall take – I actually like this draft so far. Thompson’s been so busy with the trades, nobody kept it straight yesterday.

Cross-posted at The Wisconsin Sports Bar)

Revisions/extensions (12:34 pm 4/30) – The Headless Blogger points out I fouled up the trades. I should’ve known better than to trust the initial NFL.com reports without re-checking. D’OH!

…suckered us all. No decision today.

For those of you who can’t or won’t tune into your local TV or radio station to listen to the Brett Favre news conference at 7:30 am CDT in Mississippi (confirmed in Milwaukee – WTMJ-AM, WISN-AM and Channels 4, 6 and 12, and one of the ESPN family, likely ESPNews), I’ll bring it for you. The current odds in Vegas:

2-5 – He retires
9-1 – He’s back 1 more year
50-1 – He says, “Wile E. Thompson really is a suuuuuper genius.”

Revisions/extensions #1 – Fox6 is reporting that the presser is pushed back to 8 am CDT.
Revisions/extensions #2 (7:33 am 4/8) – Updated the list of stations covering,

We finally have come to the true contenders.   The first 4 drivers will be oh-so-close to being on the podium, they’ll taste it coming into Homestead:

• Greg Biffle, driving the Roush #16 Army National Guard Ford.   What can I say about Biffle?   He just wins.
• Tony Stewart, driving the Joe Gibbs Racing #20 Home Depot Chevy.   You just don’t repeat in NASCAR.
• Jeff Gordon, driving the Hendrick #24 DuPont/Pepsi Chevy.   He got screwed in 2004.   He screwed himself in 2005.   He’ll come almost all the way back in 2006.
• Jimmie Johnson, driving the Hendrick #48 Lowe’s Chevy.   He’ll always be the bridesmaid.

That just leaves  the 2006 Nextel Cup champ –

Photo courtesy the White House via mattkenseth.com

Matt Kenseth, driving the Roush #17 DeWalt Tools Ford.   He’s finally got this Chase thing figured out, and take a look at the last 5 years.   2001 Winston Cup champ – Jeff Gordon.   2002 Winston Cup champ – Tony Stewart.   2003 Winston Cup champ – Matt Kenseth.   2004 Nextel Cup champ – should have been Gordon except for a screwing by Brain France.   2005 Nextel Cup champ – Tony Stewart.   The numbers favor the Robot; maybe this time, he’ll get some respect.

While none of these 5 drivers will have much of a chance to win the Nextel Cup, they will be packing their bags for New York City after the fall Richmond race (again, no particular order):

• Kyle Busch, driving the Hendrick #5 Kelloggs Chevy.   There’s an unwritten rule that there must be a Busch in the Chase.
• Dale Earnhardt Jr., driving the DEI #8 Budweiser Chevy.   The good news; Tony Eury Jr is back.   The bad; there’s still flat tracks on the circuit.
• Kasey Kahne, driving the Evernham #9 Dodge Dealers Dodge.   The sophomore slump is over, and Jr will have some competition for camera time at the end of the year from NBC.
• Ryan Newman, driving the Penske #12 ALLTEL/Mobil 1 Dodge.   Over/under on the number of poles for Rocket; 10 (take the over).   Over/under on the best finish for Rocket; 10 (also take the over).
• Carl Edwards, driving the Roush #99 Office Depot Ford.   Since he never ran for ROTY, can he really have a sophomore slump?

The guys that will be oh-so-close to the Chase:

• Joe Nemechek, driving the MB2 #01 Army Chevy.   I just can’t root against Front Row Joe because he’s driving the Army Surplus Special.
• Kurt Busch, driving the Penske #2 Miller Lite Dodge.   Come the fall Richmond race, I’ll be laughing my ass off when Rubberhead falls short.
• Jeremy Mayfield, driving the Evernham #19 Dodge Dealers Dodge.   The fade will start a bit earlier this year.
• Kevin Harvick, driving the RCR #29 GM Goodwrench/Reeses Chevy.   Happy will never be consistent enough to make the Chase.
• Elliott Sadler, driving the RYR #38 M&M’s Ford.   The odds-on favorite to flip his car at Talladega.

Most-likely of the 5 to get the $1,000,000 booby prize for finishing 11th; Sadler.

Into the top 20:

• Martin Truex Jr., driving the DEI #1 Bass Pro Shops Chevy.   If only he could have brought the Busch cars with him,….
• Mark Martin, driving the Roush #6 AAA Ford.   Mark will regret taking one for the team.
• Clint Bowyer, driving the RCR #07 Jack Daniel’s Chevy.   He’ll have the best equipment of the rookies.   Whether that overcomes the talent advantage that Truex has remains to be seen.
• Jamie McMurray, driving the Roush #26 Sharpie Ford.   He’s real happy that Rubberhead decided to pull his Phoenix stunt.
• Dale Jarrett, driving the RYR #88 UPS Ford.   Where’s the truck?!?!?

Continuing my spiel (once again, in no particular order):

• Denny Hamlin, driving the Joe Gibbs Racing #11 FedEx Chevy.   The big question at JGR is whether Smoke will share any of the tricks that gave him the 2005 Nextel Cup.
• JJ Yeley, driving the Joe Gibbs Racing #18 Interstate Batteries Chevy.   We’re about to find out whether Bobby Labonte really lost his ability to drive.
• Bobby Labonte, driving the Petty Enterprises #43 Cheerios Dodge.   Bobby brings Petty the best chance in years to win a race.   Unfortunately, both he and the team have lost a lot since 2000.
• Brian Vickers, driving the Hendrick #25 GMAC Chevy.   Every team has to have a weak sister; McVickers is Hendrick’s.
• Reed Sorenson, driving the Ganassi #41 Target Dodge.   There hasn’t been this much excitement in the Target camp since Jimmy “Mr. Excitement”  Spencer punched out Kurt “Rubberhead” Busch.

Moving right along, let’s continue with 31-34 in my predicted 2006 finish (again, no particular order):

• Dave Blaney, driving the Bill Davis Racing #22 Catepillar Dodge.   BDR will muddle through one more year before Toyota comes charging in to make them instant title contenders.
• Kyle Petty, driving the Petty Enterprises #45 Wells Fargo/Schwan’s/Your Company Here Dodge.   The good news is that the #43 team is set.   The bad is that The Other Kyle doesn’t have sponsorship for more than half the races.
• Brent Sherman, driving the BAM Racing #49 Serta/Hickory Farms Dodge.   Brent picked the wrong year to even think about trying for ROTY.   At least he’ll have the benefit of starting the first 5 races.
• Sterling Marlin, driving the MB2 Motorsports #14 Waste Management/Your Company Here Chevy.   At least Riggs and Evernham left the owners’ points; otherwise, Sterling would be missing more than the 24 races he doesn’t have a sponsor for.

Moving barely into the top 30 and out of the danger zone:

• Ken Schrader, driving the Wood Brothers/JTG Racing #21 Little Debbies/Motorcraft/Air Force Ford.   I’ll believe Ken’s retired when he’s been buried for 5 years.
• Jeff Burton, driving the RCR #31 Cingular Chevy.   Brother Ward is wondering when NASCAR ceased being a Southern sport.
• David Stremme, driving the Ganassi #40 Coor’s Light/Lonestar Dodge.   Stremme picked the wrong team to join for his ROTY run.
• Casey Mears, driving the Ganassi #42 Texaco/Havoline Dodge.   Mears is the luckiest guy in NASCAR; if Home123 hadn’t pulled out of NASCAR, he would be nothing more than a field-filler.   In Ganassi’s best ride, he’s only little more than a field-filler.
• Jeff Green, driving the Haas-CNC #66 Best Buy Chevy.   Believe it or not, this is a step up for Jeff.

With the NASCAR portion of SpeedWeeks kicking off Saturday with the Bud Shootout and continuing with Sunday’s qualifying (which will have more to do with Thursday’s Gatorade Duels than the following Sunday’s season-opening Daytona 500), it’s time to look ahead to how the full-time drivers (according to Jayski)  will do in 2006.   This will leave out the likes of Tony Raines, who will take over the new-for-2006 Hall of Fame #96 TI DLP Chevy starting the 6th race (they’ll run past-champ Terry Labonte to ensure they make the first 5 races as well as the 2 road-course races, hope  get into the top 35 in owners’ points to ensure a start, and then stay there), and Kenny Wallace, who will run most but not all the races in the new-for-2006 Furniture Row #78 Chevy.

Let’s start with the full-time drivers  that will have to qualify their way in every week.   This will actually start with 35th-place as I expect the HOF team to stay in the top 35 in owners’ points beyond the start of the season (in no particular order).

• Scott Riggs, driving the Evernham #10 Valvoline/Stanley Tools Dodge.   Ray Evernham picked the wrong year to start a third team.   They won’t be able to overcome the hole of missing an early race (most likely the Daytona 500).
• Derrike Cope, driving the McGlinn Racing #00 (we think) Chevy (again, we think).   Derrike should’ve retired after the 1990 Daytona 500.
• Scott Wimmer, driving the Morgan-McClure #4 AERO Exhaust Chevy.   The team got screwed when Doug Bawel teamed up with Michael Waltrip to keep Jasper Racing alive.   They really could have used the break of Penske folding the #77 team.
• Robby Gordon, driving his own #7 Harrah’s/Jim Beam/Menard’s Chevy.   Robby, not-so-affectionately known as “Crash” and “Rubby”, wishes every race was on a road course.
• Travis Kvapil, driving the PPI #32 Tide Chevy.   One-car teams are a thing of the past in NASCAR.
• Randy LaJoie, driving the Front Row/Mach 1  #34 Chevy.   Nothing like reinforcing failure with more failure.   Neither Mach 1 nor Front Row could get a sponsor, so they decided to join forces and create a 2-car team.   That’s something I’d expect Wile E. Thompson, suuuuper genius, to do.
• Michael Waltrip, driving the Waltrip/Jasper(/BDR) #55 Dodge.   Driving 4th-rate equipment, Mikey will waste the opportunity he bought by buying his way into Jasper Racing and guaranteeing himself a start for the first 5 races.
• Kevin Lepage, driving the Peak Performance #61 Ford (or is it Chevy; they tested a Chevy at Daytona).   Somewhere in Virginia, Hermie “The Other” Sadler is laughing.
• Morgan Shepherd, driving his own #89 Dodge.   Odds of Grampa Shepherd making 5 races where there are at least 44 entrants; 50-1.
• Chad Chaffin, driving the Front Row Motorsports #92 (probably will be #192 in your NASCAR program once again).   See my comments for Randy LaJoie.   Further, Chad picked the wrong year to run for the ROTY.

25-34 will be up shortly.