No Runny Eggs

One thing about taking off for a year – the allergies cycle around. With that, and the usual dose of Claritin-D (or at least the generic version thereof), it’s time for yet another round of Ask Egg, where I provide answers to questions the famous and powerful would ask if they were dumb enough to ask me:

Dear Egg,

I’ve got this little problem of not being able to spend a third of the money I usually spend because I can’t get my class enemies to bend completely to my will anymore. I heard a group of really old geerzers want to visit an open-air memorial down the road from me that is officially closed, even though it’s open 24 hours a day and one of my predecessors kept another memorial that is mostly enclosed open during his shutdown war. I’m torn between voting “present” as I usually do, and going against my nature, declaring that “rules are rules”, and bringing the pain. Quick, be the coin for me.

-Shutdown Corner of a Malignant Tyrant

SCOAMT,

Those “really old geezers” are World War II vets. Some of them breached the Atlantic Wall, others broke the back of an enemy that refused to surrender to outsiders for a millenium. You don’t want to piss them off on their visit to their memorial, even (especially, really) during their sunset years.

Oh, and don’t double down on stupid, or at least try to not follow your base instincts, or do. I know you won’t take good advice anyway.

-Egg

Dear Egg,

I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. There’s these rabble-rousers in the other chamber who have called my bluff of throwing away a pair of deuces when my opponent has a 10-high hand showing. I tried to put them in their place, but they gained enough allies to force me to play my pair rather than throwing it away at the turn. I know you suck at poker, but so do I. How should we play this out?

-Flooding the Capitol

Flood,

First things first, stop crying! Salt water is very bad for the marble.

Second, grow a spine. I know you said that you wanted to surrender now so you could fight for less next time around. Guess what? This isn’t “Pawn Stars” where you announce what you’ll settle for before you start negotiating.

Yes, I know your counterpart in the other chamber, The Only Member of Congress Who Matters™, doesn’t know how to lose. There’s a first time for everything, so teach him, and not by example either.

Here’s a prescription for iron pills; you look like you need it.

-Egg

Dear Egg,

I’ve lost my writing mojo. It’s been over a year since I’ve written anything at the place I called home for 7 years. All these people are nagging me to start writing again, but I can’t even write enough for a Tweet (not that there’s a home for cultural conservatives there). What do I do?

-The Shell

Dumbass,

Just start writing shit. It will come back to you sooner or later, but it won’t come back to you at all if you don’t write.

Oh wait, stop talking to yourself.

-Egg

If President Obama can crank out the Twitter version of “Ask Me”, I can lampoon it. Let’s roll in 140 characters or less, with the note that other than my account, these aren’t real Twitter accounts (though it should be easy to tell who I’m lampooning):

TehWon2012: How can I rescue the economy? #AskEgg
steveegg: @TehWon2012 Resign? Make the Bush-era tax rates permanent. Start drilling. Kill the EPA. Of course, you won’t listen. #AskEgg

Fleebag14: When we can’t honestly change our name to @Fleebag17 after spending millions, what next? #AskEgg
steveegg: @Fleebag14 3 words – Suck. It. Up. (or 2 for the DX fans among you) #AskEgg

BigBenFed: I’ve seen QE1 and QE2 slip beneath the waves. Should I launch QE3? #AskEgg
steveegg: @BigBenFed: Don’t be insane. The only things it did were sink the dollar and the economy. #AskEgg

MarkyDMN: I’ve inflicted as much pain as I could, but I still can’t get the eeeevil Pubbies to keep people from being as rich as me. What now? #AskEgg
steveegg: @MarkyDMN If U listened 2 Target CFO, you would have figured out MN is at the far end of the Laffer Curve. See reply to @Fleebag14. #AskEgg

NREFan: Are you going to post more? #AskEgg
steveegg: @NREFan Depends on how I feel.

Thus ends this episode of Ask Egg.

If it’s allergy season, it’s time for another round of Ask Egg, where I answer letters that should have been written before the subjects acted.

Dear Egg,

A year into our stimulus, the only things that have been stimulated are government employees and opposition to our policies. We need a new slogan to get us through November, but Works Progress Administration was already taken by our hero. HELP!

-Gone Golfing

---

Dear Gone,

Socialism has failed every place it’s been tried. If you had studied history, you would know that. Slapping a shiny label on a piece of dung doesn’t change the fact that it’s dung, nor does it cover up the smell. Cut the spending, cut the taxes, and you’ll find the economy responds nicely.

-Egg

P.S. Take your entire “leadership” team golfing with you, and see you in January.

Dear Egg,

My daddy handed me this great job that is half a world away from my frigid “home” where all I had to do was follow the crowd. Up until this month, it looked like I was a lock to stay here in the hot swamp another 6 years, but something funny (like a deranged clown) happened on the way to an easy victory. I really don’t want to freeze again. What can you do?

-Frigid in the Frozen North

---

Dear Frigid,

Perhaps they tossed you out because you followed the wrong crowd. Take your lumps and learn from them. Do recall what happened to the last person in your line of work who decided to fully-adopt the crowd he was following.

-Egg

Do remember that this advice, like everything else on the blog, is free.

It’s been far too long since I dipped into the proverbial mailbag, but the allregies are in full bloom, and the snark is screaming to be unleashed. Let’s roll.

Dear Egg,

I just can’t help but unleash my inner Alinsky. Whether it’s those redressing their grievances with government, those in the opposition party, allies of this country, or corporations who gave me more money than they gave anybody else, I keep insulting them. HELP!

-Steamrolling in DC

Dear Steamroller,

Allow me to quote your favorite WWF ex-rassler for the advice, “Know your role and shut your mouth.” Otherwise, I’ll be forced to make this little diddy into a full song:

Boots on the throat,
Boots on the throat,
Looking like Stalin with the jackboots on the throat.
With the arm sticking out, nose in the air, boots hit the throat.

-Egg

Dear Egg,

Until recently, I served as a mostly-ineffectual cabinet member of the governor of one party. Since he’s on his way out (let’s not get into why; I truly love the guy even if the people don’t), I’m looking for a new challenge, and I think I found a doozy – run for the Senate nomination of the other party. How can I fool the people into voting for me, at least in the primary?

-Brewing something in Chippewa Falls

Dear Brewing,

Normally, I’d say you’re screwed, blued, and tattooed, but seeing your (former) party is busy clearing its primaries of any and all challengers, run as yourself. By all means defend a tax hike that is responsible for nearly half one of the few remaining Wisconsin gems’ losses. By all means tie yourself to that unpopular governor – after all, their supporters will be free to support you in the primary, and then go home to the most-liberal Senator in the nation.

Oh wait a minute – that plan is falling apart as 1/8th of the state won’t be able to play that crossover game. I should’ve stuck with the default.

-Egg

Dear Egg,

Up until the brain trust in DC convinced me to give up a cushy governor’s job to run for Senate, my subjects loved me. Since then, things have gone downhill, as first my subjects, then the guy who I hugged abandoned me. That tanning cream is telling me, “If you just go rogue,…”

– Tanned in Tallahassee

Dear Tanned,

A prerequisite for going Rogue is not growing government. What, you say? You want to run as an independent? That’s not going to end well. Just ask Ross Perot.

Did you expect any help from The Steamroller? Dude, haven’t you noticed all the bloodstains on the underside of that bus he’s driving? Did you notice his footwear? If he stomps on the throats of a group of people that gave him more money than they gave anybody else, he’s not going to help somebody who hugged him.

One more thing – orange is a fruit, not a skin color.

-Egg

It’s been far too long since I’ve gone to the mailbag. In fact, it’s been so long, the advice being sought would have been ignored. Oh well; I may as well run with it anyway.

Letter #1:

Dear Egg,

I’m having a lot of fun rehabbing my shoulder with a bunch of high-schoolers, and I made my first goal of avoiding all the two-a-days of the NFL training camp. I still have the urge to stick it in the eye of Wile E. Thompson (mud-spelled-backwards), and I think I found the perfect situation. There’s a certain team that wears purple whose best quarterback isn’t half as good as I was with the bum shoulder, and they’re still waving $10 million in front of my face after I told them I didn’t want any two-a-days. Should I jump?

-Hoppin’ in Hattiesburg

Dear Hoppin’,

Get your ass back on the tractor and enjoy the fact that you’re still able to break the fingers of those high-schoolers. The half of those up here that really didn’t mind your stay in New York will get entirely pissed off if you go to the hated dome on the far side of the Mississippi, and somehow I doubt that too many of that team’s fans will be all that thrilled that you got out of the two-a-days.

Seriously; you’re almost 40, and the fact that you had to have the surgery on that shoulder proves you don’t heal as quickly as you used to. I don’t care that the Vikings play half their games indoors; you’ve been fading badly at the end of each of the last couple seasons.

I would just hate to see things end for you the way they ended for Joe Theismann.

-Egg

Letter #2:

Dear Egg,

I’m scared shitless becuase the sheepl…er, people are turning against ObamaCare, and there’s still a couple weeks before I can return to the safety of the Beltway. Worse, I waited too long to ask the SEIU to provide “hands-on security” at my townhalls. What do I do?

-Running for the Hill (Captiol, that is)

Dear Runing:

Grow a pair and get out there like Paul Ryan and Ron Kind.. If you actually head out into the district, you’d find that, while many of us vehemently disagree with ObamaCare, we’re quite civil about it. Just ask Kind.

Oh, and leave the union thugs at home; they only cause trouble.

-Egg

Letter #3

Dear Egg,

A person whose job I want is about to announce he won’t be seeking another term. I desperately want to lose the first word of my title, but I’m afraid he won’t actually leave early enough to give me a leg up in the competition to replace him on a full-term basis.

Did I mention that I despise him because he has done absolutely nothing for me?

-Madtown Junior Partner

Dear Junior Partner,

Patience is a valued commodity. At the very least, let the fireball contract before you go sniffing around the carcass.

If, like a moth, you just can’t ignore the flames, don’t compound the damage by wasting taxpayer dollars on your obsession.

-Egg

That’s all the time we have for this installment of Ask Egg. If you need off-the-wall advice that will save your hide, just let me know before you do something stupid.

Revisions/extensions (10:47 pm 8/22/2008) – For the record, I had the answer to the first letter ready to go about 4:30 pm this afternoon, but before I could finalize the answer to letter #2, I had a Brewer game to go to. With the news from ABC that Joe Biden is now receiving Secret Service protection (H/T – Chris Cillizza), it looks like my Jedi Mind Trick worked.

My head’s almost cleared up from a nice late-summer allergy episode, so let’s go back to the mailbag for some timely advice.

Letter #1 –

Dear Egg,

I’m starting to slide in the polls, and I need a pre-coronation boost for my VP pick. I know you hate me, but I have nowhere else to turn. Come on, do me this one favor, please.

-Hyde Park Bus Driver

Bus Driver,

Since I’m being charitable, I’ll give you the one piece of advice that may save you; don’t take your last challenger. Beyond that, don’t overlook the follically-challenged.

Beware the PUMAs!
-Egg

Letter #2 –

My friend, I know we haven’t seen eye to eye over the last dozen years, but I hope we can put that aside. I’m taking one step forward by waiting to see what that guy across the aisle is doing before making my final decision, but it’s in my nature to take one step back. How far back can I go?

-Arizona Mav Man

Dear Mav Man,

It is good that you’re going to be using the clock to your advantage. Don’t waste it by going anywhere near backwards by taking a pro-abortion candidate like Ridge or Giuliani.

Do have a backup plan to a backup plan just in case the PUMAs overthrow the Obamination Express.
-Egg

I’m almost out of pseudophedrine, and some political types seem to have ignored my advice, so let’s go into the mailbag once again to out them…

Letter #1 –

Dear Egg,

My state endured historic flooding over the weekend. Fortunately, the country club where I hold my annual golf fundraiser for my campaign didn’t suffer any real damage. Should I cancel it?

-Waterlogged in Madison

Waterlogged,

Of course not! However, you should turn over the proceeds of that to flood relief efforts. I’m sure you could find another day to shake down your donors for your own benefit.

One more thing; don’t spend most of the day there.
-Egg

Letter #2 –

Dear Egg,

Some terrori…er, freedom-fighters seeking to destroy this coun…er, liberate Gaia from the ravages of Americanism are being warehoused in Guantamino Bay. My fellow Justices and I currently have a lawsuit before us seeking to overturn action by Congress that we previously ordered them to take. How should we dispose of this case?

-Witless in Washington

Witless,

Get your behinds out of the business of conducting war. A previous iteration of the Court you’re on unanimously allowed the summary execution of Nazi saboteurs during World War II. Besides, Congress acted undier its Constitutional authority to cut you Lawgivers-In-Black out of the process.

Don’t commit treason.
-Egg

Letter #3 –

Dear Egg,

My opponent opposes drilling in ANWR and doing anything substantial to reverse the flow of illegal immigrants. He also supports making the tax code even more top-heavy, and closing Club Gitmo. How can I differentiate myself from my opponent while being true to myself?

-On The Road

Since you used an anonymizer, I can’t tell which candidate you are. You need to do what is right with the country and start differentiating yourself from him.

And no, I don’t mean a left turn either.
-Egg

It’s been far too long since I opened up the question lines. Since the brain is sufficiently-fried from the springtime allergies, I guess it’s time to break out the can of whoop-advice (you thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you?) and lay the snarkastic smackdown on some candy-asses (you knew it would come sooner or later).

Letter #1 –

Dear Egg,

After successfully destroying my party, I’m starting to look for a second. Any suggestions?

-Southwest Mav

Dear Southwest,

I don’t believe for a second you’re going to listen to this, but since you asked (mostly for money that isn’t leaving my bank account), I’ll answer. I have but three words – conservative, conservative, conservative. You may not salvage your burnt and collapsed bridges with a bunch of conservatives, but if you’re serious about killing earmarks, if you’re serious about securing the tax cuts, you’re going to need conservatives in Congress. Going further left for the VP choice is just a recipe for disaster on so many levels.

You may be tempted to go with the minority block that gets shunned by the far side of the aisle. I’ll shock you and most of my readers with this bit of advice, but as long as it doesn’t violate the three-word credo I outlined, do it. Do remember, however, that we don’t know which block will get shunned.

One more thing; dump Juan.
-Egg

Letter #2 –

Dear Egg,

Despite spending more than $2,200 for every man, woman and child in my city, and despite a budget of over $1.2 billion, I just can’t seem to scrape up enough cash to run my emergency services. I’m thinking about converting a soon-to-expire tax for my own purposes, and radically increasing both the amount and scope. Should I?

– Missing in Milwaukee

Dear Missing,

Allow me to quote Michelle Malkin here: “Suck.It.Up.” You mean to tell me there isn’t even 0.65% fat in that bloated government you run? Give me that budget and a red pen, and I’ll find you millions. I might not make the unions happy, but as you lefties are fond of saying, the needs of the many and all.

Start cutting.
-Egg

Letter #3 –

Dear Egg,

Oh man, I’m in so much trouble. Two months ago, I was the anointed one, able to do no wrong. Since then, I’ve stepped in a punji pit, shoved one foot in my mouth, and the other in my wife’s because her feet aren’t big enough to keep her quiet. The ghosts of my recent past are crashing in around me, and my Jedi mind tricks are starting to fail. It’s gotten so bad, the class enemy of my enemy endorsed my enemy.

-Critical in Chi-town

Dear Critical,

I’ll have to ignore the fact that, before the Maha-Rushie endorsed her, I did. It’s always darkest before the dawn (or is that before it goes pitch-black?). You two are generating record profits for the popcorn concessions, and the only way she’ll get what you want before the middle of summer is if you quit, so keep on keeping on.

Fight on!
-Egg

Letter #4 –

Dear Egg,

Talk about your law of unintended consequences. I’ve managed to finally put my stamp on this team by getting the old man to retire, and I suddenly realized I don’t have a quarterback that will last more than 3 games. I can’t swallow my pride and ask him back. What do I do?

-Super-Genius in Green Bay

Dear Super-Genius,

If you had planned and prepared properly instead of scheming to get rid of the old man, you would have prevented the likelyhood of piss-poor performance. You’re pretty much screwed because the proper planning and preparation would have included getting a top-flight QB draftee last year instead of a broken-down bust of a defensive tackle, and the team did too well this year to get a top-flight draftee. Worse, because you were too slow in the free-agent market, the slim pickings in the free-agent market are down to almost none.

Start praying.
-Egg