One thing about taking off for a year – the allergies cycle around. With that, and the usual dose of Claritin-D (or at least the generic version thereof), it’s time for yet another round of Ask Egg, where I provide answers to questions the famous and powerful would ask if they were dumb enough to ask me:
Dear Egg,
I’ve got this little problem of not being able to spend a third of the money I usually spend because I can’t get my class enemies to bend completely to my will anymore. I heard a group of really old geerzers want to visit an open-air memorial down the road from me that is officially closed, even though it’s open 24 hours a day and one of my predecessors kept another memorial that is mostly enclosed open during his shutdown war. I’m torn between voting “present” as I usually do, and going against my nature, declaring that “rules are rules”, and bringing the pain. Quick, be the coin for me.
-Shutdown Corner of a Malignant Tyrant
SCOAMT,
Those “really old geezers” are World War II vets. Some of them breached the Atlantic Wall, others broke the back of an enemy that refused to surrender to outsiders for a millenium. You don’t want to piss them off on their visit to their memorial, even (especially, really) during their sunset years.
Oh, and don’t double down on stupid, or at least try to not follow your base instincts, or do. I know you won’t take good advice anyway.
-Egg
Dear Egg,
I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. There’s these rabble-rousers in the other chamber who have called my bluff of throwing away a pair of deuces when my opponent has a 10-high hand showing. I tried to put them in their place, but they gained enough allies to force me to play my pair rather than throwing it away at the turn. I know you suck at poker, but so do I. How should we play this out?
-Flooding the Capitol
Flood,
First things first, stop crying! Salt water is very bad for the marble.
Second, grow a spine. I know you said that you wanted to surrender now so you could fight for less next time around. Guess what? This isn’t “Pawn Stars” where you announce what you’ll settle for before you start negotiating.
Yes, I know your counterpart in the other chamber, The Only Member of Congress Who Matters™, doesn’t know how to lose. There’s a first time for everything, so teach him, and not by example either.
Here’s a prescription for iron pills; you look like you need it.
-Egg
Dear Egg,
I’ve lost my writing mojo. It’s been over a year since I’ve written anything at the place I called home for 7 years. All these people are nagging me to start writing again, but I can’t even write enough for a Tweet (not that there’s a home for cultural conservatives there). What do I do?
-The Shell
Dumbass,
Just start writing shit. It will come back to you sooner or later, but it won’t come back to you at all if you don’t write.
Oh wait, stop talking to yourself.
-Egg
