No Runny Eggs

It’s been far too long since I dipped into the proverbial mailbag, but the allregies are in full bloom, and the snark is screaming to be unleashed. Let’s roll.

Dear Egg,

I just can’t help but unleash my inner Alinsky. Whether it’s those redressing their grievances with government, those in the opposition party, allies of this country, or corporations who gave me more money than they gave anybody else, I keep insulting them. HELP!

-Steamrolling in DC

Dear Steamroller,

Allow me to quote your favorite WWF ex-rassler for the advice, “Know your role and shut your mouth.” Otherwise, I’ll be forced to make this little diddy into a full song:

Boots on the throat,
Boots on the throat,
Looking like Stalin with the jackboots on the throat.
With the arm sticking out, nose in the air, boots hit the throat.

-Egg

Dear Egg,

Until recently, I served as a mostly-ineffectual cabinet member of the governor of one party. Since he’s on his way out (let’s not get into why; I truly love the guy even if the people don’t), I’m looking for a new challenge, and I think I found a doozy – run for the Senate nomination of the other party. How can I fool the people into voting for me, at least in the primary?

-Brewing something in Chippewa Falls

Dear Brewing,

Normally, I’d say you’re screwed, blued, and tattooed, but seeing your (former) party is busy clearing its primaries of any and all challengers, run as yourself. By all means defend a tax hike that is responsible for nearly half one of the few remaining Wisconsin gems’ losses. By all means tie yourself to that unpopular governor – after all, their supporters will be free to support you in the primary, and then go home to the most-liberal Senator in the nation.

Oh wait a minute – that plan is falling apart as 1/8th of the state won’t be able to play that crossover game. I should’ve stuck with the default.

-Egg

Dear Egg,

Up until the brain trust in DC convinced me to give up a cushy governor’s job to run for Senate, my subjects loved me. Since then, things have gone downhill, as first my subjects, then the guy who I hugged abandoned me. That tanning cream is telling me, “If you just go rogue,…”

– Tanned in Tallahassee

Dear Tanned,

A prerequisite for going Rogue is not growing government. What, you say? You want to run as an independent? That’s not going to end well. Just ask Ross Perot.

Did you expect any help from The Steamroller? Dude, haven’t you noticed all the bloodstains on the underside of that bus he’s driving? Did you notice his footwear? If he stomps on the throats of a group of people that gave him more money than they gave anybody else, he’s not going to help somebody who hugged him.

One more thing – orange is a fruit, not a skin color.

-Egg