It’s been far too long since I’ve gone to the mailbag. In fact, it’s been so long, the advice being sought would have been ignored. Oh well; I may as well run with it anyway.
Letter #1:
Dear Egg,
I’m having a lot of fun rehabbing my shoulder with a bunch of high-schoolers, and I made my first goal of avoiding all the two-a-days of the NFL training camp. I still have the urge to stick it in the eye of Wile E. Thompson (mud-spelled-backwards), and I think I found the perfect situation. There’s a certain team that wears purple whose best quarterback isn’t half as good as I was with the bum shoulder, and they’re still waving $10 million in front of my face after I told them I didn’t want any two-a-days. Should I jump?
-Hoppin’ in Hattiesburg
Dear Hoppin’,
Get your ass back on the tractor and enjoy the fact that you’re still able to break the fingers of those high-schoolers. The half of those up here that really didn’t mind your stay in New York will get entirely pissed off if you go to the hated dome on the far side of the Mississippi, and somehow I doubt that too many of that team’s fans will be all that thrilled that you got out of the two-a-days.
Seriously; you’re almost 40, and the fact that you had to have the surgery on that shoulder proves you don’t heal as quickly as you used to. I don’t care that the Vikings play half their games indoors; you’ve been fading badly at the end of each of the last couple seasons.
I would just hate to see things end for you the way they ended for Joe Theismann.
-Egg
Letter #2:
Dear Egg,
I’m scared shitless becuase the sheepl…er, people are turning against ObamaCare, and there’s still a couple weeks before I can return to the safety of the Beltway. Worse, I waited too long to ask the SEIU to provide “hands-on security” at my townhalls. What do I do?
-Running for the Hill (Captiol, that is)
Dear Runing:
Grow a pair and get out there like Paul Ryan and Ron Kind.. If you actually head out into the district, you’d find that, while many of us vehemently disagree with ObamaCare, we’re quite civil about it. Just ask Kind.
Oh, and leave the union thugs at home; they only cause trouble.
-Egg
Letter #3
Dear Egg,
A person whose job I want is about to announce he won’t be seeking another term. I desperately want to lose the first word of my title, but I’m afraid he won’t actually leave early enough to give me a leg up in the competition to replace him on a full-term basis.
Did I mention that I despise him because he has done absolutely nothing for me?
-Madtown Junior Partner
Dear Junior Partner,
Patience is a valued commodity. At the very least, let the fireball contract before you go sniffing around the carcass.
If, like a moth, you just can’t ignore the flames, don’t compound the damage by wasting taxpayer dollars on your obsession.
-Egg
That’s all the time we have for this installment of Ask Egg. If you need off-the-wall advice that will save your hide, just let me know before you do something stupid.
That’s cute.