No Runny Eggs

It’s been far too long since I opened up the question lines. Since the brain is sufficiently-fried from the springtime allergies, I guess it’s time to break out the can of whoop-advice (you thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you?) and lay the snarkastic smackdown on some candy-asses (you knew it would come sooner or later).

Letter #1 –

Dear Egg,

After successfully destroying my party, I’m starting to look for a second. Any suggestions?

-Southwest Mav

Dear Southwest,

I don’t believe for a second you’re going to listen to this, but since you asked (mostly for money that isn’t leaving my bank account), I’ll answer. I have but three words – conservative, conservative, conservative. You may not salvage your burnt and collapsed bridges with a bunch of conservatives, but if you’re serious about killing earmarks, if you’re serious about securing the tax cuts, you’re going to need conservatives in Congress. Going further left for the VP choice is just a recipe for disaster on so many levels.

You may be tempted to go with the minority block that gets shunned by the far side of the aisle. I’ll shock you and most of my readers with this bit of advice, but as long as it doesn’t violate the three-word credo I outlined, do it. Do remember, however, that we don’t know which block will get shunned.

One more thing; dump Juan.
-Egg

Letter #2 –

Dear Egg,

Despite spending more than $2,200 for every man, woman and child in my city, and despite a budget of over $1.2 billion, I just can’t seem to scrape up enough cash to run my emergency services. I’m thinking about converting a soon-to-expire tax for my own purposes, and radically increasing both the amount and scope. Should I?

– Missing in Milwaukee

Dear Missing,

Allow me to quote Michelle Malkin here: “Suck.It.Up.” You mean to tell me there isn’t even 0.65% fat in that bloated government you run? Give me that budget and a red pen, and I’ll find you millions. I might not make the unions happy, but as you lefties are fond of saying, the needs of the many and all.

Start cutting.
-Egg

Letter #3 –

Dear Egg,

Oh man, I’m in so much trouble. Two months ago, I was the anointed one, able to do no wrong. Since then, I’ve stepped in a punji pit, shoved one foot in my mouth, and the other in my wife’s because her feet aren’t big enough to keep her quiet. The ghosts of my recent past are crashing in around me, and my Jedi mind tricks are starting to fail. It’s gotten so bad, the class enemy of my enemy endorsed my enemy.

-Critical in Chi-town

Dear Critical,

I’ll have to ignore the fact that, before the Maha-Rushie endorsed her, I did. It’s always darkest before the dawn (or is that before it goes pitch-black?). You two are generating record profits for the popcorn concessions, and the only way she’ll get what you want before the middle of summer is if you quit, so keep on keeping on.

Fight on!
-Egg

Letter #4 –

Dear Egg,

Talk about your law of unintended consequences. I’ve managed to finally put my stamp on this team by getting the old man to retire, and I suddenly realized I don’t have a quarterback that will last more than 3 games. I can’t swallow my pride and ask him back. What do I do?

-Super-Genius in Green Bay

Dear Super-Genius,

If you had planned and prepared properly instead of scheming to get rid of the old man, you would have prevented the likelyhood of piss-poor performance. You’re pretty much screwed because the proper planning and preparation would have included getting a top-flight QB draftee last year instead of a broken-down bust of a defensive tackle, and the team did too well this year to get a top-flight draftee. Worse, because you were too slow in the free-agent market, the slim pickings in the free-agent market are down to almost none.

Start praying.
-Egg