No Runny Eggs

It’s been far too long since I’ve gone to the mailbag. In fact, it’s been so long, the advice being sought would have been ignored. Oh well; I may as well run with it anyway.

Letter #1:

Dear Egg,

I’m having a lot of fun rehabbing my shoulder with a bunch of high-schoolers, and I made my first goal of avoiding all the two-a-days of the NFL training camp. I still have the urge to stick it in the eye of Wile E. Thompson (mud-spelled-backwards), and I think I found the perfect situation. There’s a certain team that wears purple whose best quarterback isn’t half as good as I was with the bum shoulder, and they’re still waving $10 million in front of my face after I told them I didn’t want any two-a-days. Should I jump?

-Hoppin’ in Hattiesburg

Dear Hoppin’,

Get your ass back on the tractor and enjoy the fact that you’re still able to break the fingers of those high-schoolers. The half of those up here that really didn’t mind your stay in New York will get entirely pissed off if you go to the hated dome on the far side of the Mississippi, and somehow I doubt that too many of that team’s fans will be all that thrilled that you got out of the two-a-days.

Seriously; you’re almost 40, and the fact that you had to have the surgery on that shoulder proves you don’t heal as quickly as you used to. I don’t care that the Vikings play half their games indoors; you’ve been fading badly at the end of each of the last couple seasons.

I would just hate to see things end for you the way they ended for Joe Theismann.

-Egg

Letter #2:

Dear Egg,

I’m scared shitless becuase the sheepl…er, people are turning against ObamaCare, and there’s still a couple weeks before I can return to the safety of the Beltway. Worse, I waited too long to ask the SEIU to provide “hands-on security” at my townhalls. What do I do?

-Running for the Hill (Captiol, that is)

Dear Runing:

Grow a pair and get out there like Paul Ryan and Ron Kind.. If you actually head out into the district, you’d find that, while many of us vehemently disagree with ObamaCare, we’re quite civil about it. Just ask Kind.

Oh, and leave the union thugs at home; they only cause trouble.

-Egg

Letter #3

Dear Egg,

A person whose job I want is about to announce he won’t be seeking another term. I desperately want to lose the first word of my title, but I’m afraid he won’t actually leave early enough to give me a leg up in the competition to replace him on a full-term basis.

Did I mention that I despise him because he has done absolutely nothing for me?

-Madtown Junior Partner

Dear Junior Partner,

Patience is a valued commodity. At the very least, let the fireball contract before you go sniffing around the carcass.

If, like a moth, you just can’t ignore the flames, don’t compound the damage by wasting taxpayer dollars on your obsession.

-Egg

That’s all the time we have for this installment of Ask Egg. If you need off-the-wall advice that will save your hide, just let me know before you do something stupid.

Revisions/extensions (10:47 pm 8/22/2008) – For the record, I had the answer to the first letter ready to go about 4:30 pm this afternoon, but before I could finalize the answer to letter #2, I had a Brewer game to go to. With the news from ABC that Joe Biden is now receiving Secret Service protection (H/T – Chris Cillizza), it looks like my Jedi Mind Trick worked.

My head’s almost cleared up from a nice late-summer allergy episode, so let’s go back to the mailbag for some timely advice.

Letter #1 -

Dear Egg,

I’m starting to slide in the polls, and I need a pre-coronation boost for my VP pick. I know you hate me, but I have nowhere else to turn. Come on, do me this one favor, please.

-Hyde Park Bus Driver

Bus Driver,

Since I’m being charitable, I’ll give you the one piece of advice that may save you; don’t take your last challenger. Beyond that, don’t overlook the follically-challenged.

Beware the PUMAs!
-Egg

Letter #2 -

My friend, I know we haven’t seen eye to eye over the last dozen years, but I hope we can put that aside. I’m taking one step forward by waiting to see what that guy across the aisle is doing before making my final decision, but it’s in my nature to take one step back. How far back can I go?

-Arizona Mav Man

Dear Mav Man,

It is good that you’re going to be using the clock to your advantage. Don’t waste it by going anywhere near backwards by taking a pro-abortion candidate like Ridge or Giuliani.

Do have a backup plan to a backup plan just in case the PUMAs overthrow the Obamination Express.
-Egg

I’m almost out of pseudophedrine, and some political types seem to have ignored my advice, so let’s go into the mailbag once again to out them…

Letter #1 -

Dear Egg,

My state endured historic flooding over the weekend. Fortunately, the country club where I hold my annual golf fundraiser for my campaign didn’t suffer any real damage. Should I cancel it?

-Waterlogged in Madison

Waterlogged,

Of course not! However, you should turn over the proceeds of that to flood relief efforts. I’m sure you could find another day to shake down your donors for your own benefit.

One more thing; don’t spend most of the day there.
-Egg

Letter #2 -

Dear Egg,

Some terrori…er, freedom-fighters seeking to destroy this coun…er, liberate Gaia from the ravages of Americanism are being warehoused in Guantamino Bay. My fellow Justices and I currently have a lawsuit before us seeking to overturn action by Congress that we previously ordered them to take. How should we dispose of this case?

-Witless in Washington

Witless,

Get your behinds out of the business of conducting war. A previous iteration of the Court you’re on unanimously allowed the summary execution of Nazi saboteurs during World War II. Besides, Congress acted undier its Constitutional authority to cut you Lawgivers-In-Black out of the process.

Don’t commit treason.
-Egg

Letter #3 -

Dear Egg,

My opponent opposes drilling in ANWR and doing anything substantial to reverse the flow of illegal immigrants. He also supports making the tax code even more top-heavy, and closing Club Gitmo. How can I differentiate myself from my opponent while being true to myself?

-On The Road

Since you used an anonymizer, I can’t tell which candidate you are. You need to do what is right with the country and start differentiating yourself from him.

And no, I don’t mean a left turn either.
-Egg

It’s been far too long since I opened up the question lines. Since the brain is sufficiently-fried from the springtime allergies, I guess it’s time to break out the can of whoop-advice (you thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you?) and lay the snarkastic smackdown on some candy-asses (you knew it would come sooner or later).

Letter #1 -

Dear Egg,

After successfully destroying my party, I’m starting to look for a second. Any suggestions?

-Southwest Mav

Dear Southwest,

I don’t believe for a second you’re going to listen to this, but since you asked (mostly for money that isn’t leaving my bank account), I’ll answer. I have but three words – conservative, conservative, conservative. You may not salvage your burnt and collapsed bridges with a bunch of conservatives, but if you’re serious about killing earmarks, if you’re serious about securing the tax cuts, you’re going to need conservatives in Congress. Going further left for the VP choice is just a recipe for disaster on so many levels.

You may be tempted to go with the minority block that gets shunned by the far side of the aisle. I’ll shock you and most of my readers with this bit of advice, but as long as it doesn’t violate the three-word credo I outlined, do it. Do remember, however, that we don’t know which block will get shunned.

One more thing; dump Juan.
-Egg

Letter #2 -

Dear Egg,

Despite spending more than $2,200 for every man, woman and child in my city, and despite a budget of over $1.2 billion, I just can’t seem to scrape up enough cash to run my emergency services. I’m thinking about converting a soon-to-expire tax for my own purposes, and radically increasing both the amount and scope. Should I?

- Missing in Milwaukee

Dear Missing,

Allow me to quote Michelle Malkin here: “Suck.It.Up.” You mean to tell me there isn’t even 0.65% fat in that bloated government you run? Give me that budget and a red pen, and I’ll find you millions. I might not make the unions happy, but as you lefties are fond of saying, the needs of the many and all.

Start cutting.
-Egg

Letter #3 -

Dear Egg,

Oh man, I’m in so much trouble. Two months ago, I was the anointed one, able to do no wrong. Since then, I’ve stepped in a punji pit, shoved one foot in my mouth, and the other in my wife’s because her feet aren’t big enough to keep her quiet. The ghosts of my recent past are crashing in around me, and my Jedi mind tricks are starting to fail. It’s gotten so bad, the class enemy of my enemy endorsed my enemy.

-Critical in Chi-town

Dear Critical,

I’ll have to ignore the fact that, before the Maha-Rushie endorsed her, I did. It’s always darkest before the dawn (or is that before it goes pitch-black?). You two are generating record profits for the popcorn concessions, and the only way she’ll get what you want before the middle of summer is if you quit, so keep on keeping on.

Fight on!
-Egg

Letter #4 -

Dear Egg,

Talk about your law of unintended consequences. I’ve managed to finally put my stamp on this team by getting the old man to retire, and I suddenly realized I don’t have a quarterback that will last more than 3 games. I can’t swallow my pride and ask him back. What do I do?

-Super-Genius in Green Bay

Dear Super-Genius,

If you had planned and prepared properly instead of scheming to get rid of the old man, you would have prevented the likelyhood of piss-poor performance. You’re pretty much screwed because the proper planning and preparation would have included getting a top-flight QB draftee last year instead of a broken-down bust of a defensive tackle, and the team did too well this year to get a top-flight draftee. Worse, because you were too slow in the free-agent market, the slim pickings in the free-agent market are down to almost none.

Start praying.
-Egg