No Runny Eggs

I’m almost out of pseudophedrine, and some political types seem to have ignored my advice, so let’s go into the mailbag once again to out them…

Letter #1 -

Dear Egg,

My state endured historic flooding over the weekend. Fortunately, the country club where I hold my annual golf fundraiser for my campaign didn’t suffer any real damage. Should I cancel it?

-Waterlogged in Madison

Waterlogged,

Of course not! However, you should turn over the proceeds of that to flood relief efforts. I’m sure you could find another day to shake down your donors for your own benefit.

One more thing; don’t spend most of the day there.
-Egg

Letter #2 -

Dear Egg,

Some terrori…er, freedom-fighters seeking to destroy this coun…er, liberate Gaia from the ravages of Americanism are being warehoused in Guantamino Bay. My fellow Justices and I currently have a lawsuit before us seeking to overturn action by Congress that we previously ordered them to take. How should we dispose of this case?

-Witless in Washington

Witless,

Get your behinds out of the business of conducting war. A previous iteration of the Court you’re on unanimously allowed the summary execution of Nazi saboteurs during World War II. Besides, Congress acted undier its Constitutional authority to cut you Lawgivers-In-Black out of the process.

Don’t commit treason.
-Egg

Letter #3 -

Dear Egg,

My opponent opposes drilling in ANWR and doing anything substantial to reverse the flow of illegal immigrants. He also supports making the tax code even more top-heavy, and closing Club Gitmo. How can I differentiate myself from my opponent while being true to myself?

-On The Road

Since you used an anonymizer, I can’t tell which candidate you are. You need to do what is right with the country and start differentiating yourself from him.

And no, I don’t mean a left turn either.
-Egg

It’s been far too long since I opened up the question lines. Since the brain is sufficiently-fried from the springtime allergies, I guess it’s time to break out the can of whoop-advice (you thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you?) and lay the snarkastic smackdown on some candy-asses (you knew it would come sooner or later).

Letter #1 -

Dear Egg,

After successfully destroying my party, I’m starting to look for a second. Any suggestions?

-Southwest Mav

Dear Southwest,

I don’t believe for a second you’re going to listen to this, but since you asked (mostly for money that isn’t leaving my bank account), I’ll answer. I have but three words - conservative, conservative, conservative. You may not salvage your burnt and collapsed bridges with a bunch of conservatives, but if you’re serious about killing earmarks, if you’re serious about securing the tax cuts, you’re going to need conservatives in Congress. Going further left for the VP choice is just a recipe for disaster on so many levels.

You may be tempted to go with the minority block that gets shunned by the far side of the aisle. I’ll shock you and most of my readers with this bit of advice, but as long as it doesn’t violate the three-word credo I outlined, do it. Do remember, however, that we don’t know which block will get shunned.

One more thing; dump Juan.
-Egg

Letter #2 -

Dear Egg,

Despite spending more than $2,200 for every man, woman and child in my city, and despite a budget of over $1.2 billion, I just can’t seem to scrape up enough cash to run my emergency services. I’m thinking about converting a soon-to-expire tax for my own purposes, and radically increasing both the amount and scope. Should I?

- Missing in Milwaukee

Dear Missing,

Allow me to quote Michelle Malkin here: “Suck.It.Up.” You mean to tell me there isn’t even 0.65% fat in that bloated government you run? Give me that budget and a red pen, and I’ll find you millions. I might not make the unions happy, but as you lefties are fond of saying, the needs of the many and all.

Start cutting.
-Egg

Letter #3 -

Dear Egg,

Oh man, I’m in so much trouble. Two months ago, I was the anointed one, able to do no wrong. Since then, I’ve stepped in a punji pit, shoved one foot in my mouth, and the other in my wife’s because her feet aren’t big enough to keep her quiet. The ghosts of my recent past are crashing in around me, and my Jedi mind tricks are starting to fail. It’s gotten so bad, the class enemy of my enemy endorsed my enemy.

-Critical in Chi-town

Dear Critical,

I’ll have to ignore the fact that, before the Maha-Rushie endorsed her, I did. It’s always darkest before the dawn (or is that before it goes pitch-black?). You two are generating record profits for the popcorn concessions, and the only way she’ll get what you want before the middle of summer is if you quit, so keep on keeping on.

Fight on!
-Egg

Letter #4 -

Dear Egg,

Talk about your law of unintended consequences. I’ve managed to finally put my stamp on this team by getting the old man to retire, and I suddenly realized I don’t have a quarterback that will last more than 3 games. I can’t swallow my pride and ask him back. What do I do?

-Super-Genius in Green Bay

Dear Super-Genius,

If you had planned and prepared properly instead of scheming to get rid of the old man, you would have prevented the likelyhood of piss-poor performance. You’re pretty much screwed because the proper planning and preparation would have included getting a top-flight QB draftee last year instead of a broken-down bust of a defensive tackle, and the team did too well this year to get a top-flight draftee. Worse, because you were too slow in the free-agent market, the slim pickings in the free-agent market are down to almost none.

Start praying.
-Egg

Lieberal politicians are not the only people who could have benefited from asking me what to do before doing something. As long as the histamines are kicking in (I’m down to my last dose of pseudophedrine, and I’m saving that for bedtime), let’s dive into the business world with a more-sarcastic tone than usual…

Letter #1 -

Dear Egg,

A bunch of illegal-immigration advocates started boycotting us after our PAC made a token donation to Jim Sensenbrenner. We realize that they’re the largest-growing demographic in America, and our operations on this side of the pond already have some experience marketing to Spanish-speaking individuals. We want to turn political, burn our bridges to Sensenbrenner and our traditional drinkers, and go after this emerging market, but we wanted your input first.

-Foggy in Londo…er, Milwaukee

Dear Foggy,

Do you really want to drive the Leinenkugel’s brand into oblivion? You might score with the pro-invasion crowd, but Drinking Right (and to a lesser extent, Drinking Liberally) notwithstanding, politics and alcohol don’t mix. Just ask Keg Goldschlager. Morever, if ex-Mexican beer drinkers are anything like American beer drinkers, they’ll drink up here what they drunk down there, and I doubt it was a SABMiller brand.

Prost!
-Egg

Letter #2 (unbelievably, this business actually did one thing that I would have recommended) -

Dear Egg,

My family business has been losing market share year after year. We’re also saddled with a bunch of recalcitrant unions who think it’s still 1966, not 2006. Our products, frankly, suck. HELP!

-Lost in Dearborn

Dear Lost,

Get someone in there who knows how to turn around a company, then get out of his (or her, as the case may be) way. I’m not going to recommend anybody specifically, but if you’re smart enough, I’m sure you can find a candidate or two.

Drive on,
-Egg

Letter #3 -

Dear Egg,

Our network is slated to run a 2-day 9/11 special based on the bipartisan 9/11 Commission report this weekend. In an unusual move for us, we plan on slamming everybody. However, our allies in politics got wind of this, and have threatened us. Considering who those allies are, we’re scared to death. Should we stick to our guns and risk a visit to Ft. Marcy Park, or should we hire Michael Moore to “edit” this special?

-Spineless in NYC

Dear Spineless,

Grow a spine. If I wanted the official DNC take on things, I’d watch “World News Tonight” (or any of your network competition, or CNN, or PMSNBC, or read the New York Slimes, or…you get the idea).

Heck, I think you never intended to have those things S(l)ick Willie and company objected to see the light of day, and that you put them in the “pre-edited” version just to raise the hopes of the majority of Americans who would rather watch The History Channel or Fox News for their 9/11 specials.

Too bad, so sad.
-Egg

With all the bad news the ‘Rats suffered this week, you would have thought they would have asked an advice columnist before doing their business. Oh well, let’s set the DeLorean for before the ‘Rats did their bad news, pretend that I’m in the business of providing free advice to ‘Rats, and roll with it…

Letter #1 -

Dear Egg,

I’m a retiree who, for inexplicable reasons, fled Chicago. Now, I’ve got these moonbats trying to tell me to do a Loserman to a state Senator and use the slogan, “A ‘Rat who votes like a ‘Rat.” There is, however, a slight problem. They don’t know that I really DO vote like a ‘Rat, going so far as to vote twice for Al Gore in November, 2000. I can’t find my lucky coin, so help me decide.

- Conflicted in Cudahy

Dear Conflicted,

Where did you say you double-voted? Looks like you picked the wrong county to do half of your double-voting. Not only is Paul Bucher a charge-’em-all type of DA, he’s in a hotly-contested primary for AG. It’s best to let sleeping dogs lie and let the clock run out on any potential charges. Besides, Plale sacrificed most of his principles from when he was an Assemblyman.

Regards,
-Egg

Letter #2 -

Dear Egg,

I only have two qualifications for attorney general: I’m extremely soft on crime, and I didn’t crash a state-owned car while drunk. I tried to keep the campaign clean and run on my soft-on-crime record, but I haven’t picked up any traction. I’ve even started to allude to my primary opponent’s misadventure on Hwy 151, and that hasn’t helped. Should I go completely on the attack?

- Batty in Dane County

Dear Batty,

Keep on doing what you’re doing. The ‘Rat primary is dominated by the soft-on-crime types, and you are undeniably the softest-on-crime candidate ever to run. If you’re not successful, you’ll have let that bucket of slime out in the open. It’s no longer 1988, where the only source of “news” is your party’s official mouthpiece, so you ‘Rats can’t expect to repeat the Horton smear history.

Best of luck, at least in September.
-Egg

Letter #3 -

Dear Egg,

I am truly desperate. I spent the last month alone on the airwaves, trying to paint my opponent as too extreme. However, with one commercial, he completely neutered all my efforts. I do have a plan to shut up his campaign for the next two weeks, but it involves getting my State Elections Board to apply a rule change I shoved through to a time period when it was still only under consideration, and get them to ignore that, until the middle of July, it had been suspended by the Legislature. The SEB lawyer, who I haven’t bought, says I can’t do it, but I really need to slime my opponent to get the bloodhounds off my stench. Should I go for it?

-Desperate in Madistan

Dear Desperate,

You know the law; you used to be Attorney General. It won’t survive a legal challenge, especially considering that your advantage on the Supreme Court would have to recuse herself because she appoints a member of the board. Morever, it will look exactly like what it is, a craven, partisan, and desperate attempt to rig the election in your favor. Don’t do it!

Enjoy retirement,
-Egg

Letter #4 -

Dear Egg,

My voting record is a mess. I managed to convince the Milwaukee County DA to ignore records that say I voted twice in two different municipalities in November 1996 and state that the records are a mess without even having to get my dad, who has the same name as I do, state for the record that it was him and not me that voted in one of those places. That hasn’t dissuaded some of my critics, who have called into question where I voted in September 1998. I housesat for my dad at that time, the records say that he voted there, and I voted in the other city. The thing is, I didn’t vote in the city the records say I voted in that election. Should I roll the dice again, claim that the poll workers got it wrong once again, and get the city clerk to alter the record to remove my name from the roll that it was on?

Before you answer, remember that the same DA is still around a bit longer, and my party controls both the AG’s office and the SEB.

- Sweating in Tosa

Dear Sweating,

Leave sleeiping dogs lie, and keep your mouth shut. Even though the statute of limitations on vote fraud in the 1998 election has passed, it just wouldn’t look good to bring it up again by saying you didn’t vote in Tosa. It’s a lot easier to get people to accept that the election workers made one mistake than it is to get them to accept the election workers made three.

Morever, even though the DA is and will be a no-charge DA, having the voting record changed is a felony. You can’t count on your party holding onto the AG’s office, and since it was a US House and US Senate primary, there just might be a federal “hook” to get US Attorney Steve Biskupic involved. Trust me, you don’t want him sniffing around.

Remember, silence is golden.
-Egg

You know, I should miss a few days of blogging more often ;-)