I’m almost out of pseudophedrine, and some political types seem to have ignored my advice, so let’s go into the mailbag once again to out them…
Letter #1 –
My state endured historic flooding over the weekend. Fortunately, the country club where I hold my annual golf fundraiser for my campaign didn’t suffer any real damage. Should I cancel it?
-Waterlogged in Madison
Of course not! However, you should turn over the proceeds of that to flood relief efforts. I’m sure you could find another day to shake down your donors for your own benefit.
One more thing; don’t spend most of the day there.
Letter #2 –
Some terrori…er, freedom-fighters seeking to destroy this coun…er, liberate Gaia from the ravages of Americanism are being warehoused in Guantamino Bay. My fellow Justices and I currently have a lawsuit before us seeking to overturn action by Congress that we previously ordered them to take. How should we dispose of this case?
-Witless in Washington
Get your behinds out of the business of conducting war. A previous iteration of the Court you’re on unanimously allowed the summary execution of Nazi saboteurs during World War II. Besides, Congress acted undier its Constitutional authority to cut you Lawgivers-In-Black out of the process.
Don’t commit treason.
Letter #3 –
My opponent opposes drilling in ANWR and doing anything substantial to reverse the flow of illegal immigrants. He also supports making the tax code even more top-heavy, and closing Club Gitmo. How can I differentiate myself from my opponent while being true to myself?
-On The Road
Since you used an anonymizer, I can’t tell which candidate you are. You need to do what is right with the country and start differentiating yourself from him.
And no, I don’t mean a left turn either.