Milwaukee (crAP) – El Picante, after getting a special one-day exemption from the INS to work in the United States at the urging of MLB Commissioner Bud Selig, finished a disappointing third in Saturday’s controversial running of the Brewers’/Klement’s Sausage Race.
The controversy started immediately after Brett Wurst beat Guido to the finish line to win the race. Well-known bookie Knock-Knees Tony was seen giving Picante a large manilla envelope as Picante departed the field along the right-field line. Picante immediately left after the race for the Arizona Fall League and was unavailable for comment, but Tony said, “Can’t a lucky paisan help out a new immigrant?” Wurst was listed as a 500-1 longshot by various sports books.
Further adding doubt to the legimitacy of their wins, both Wurst and season-leading Guido reportedly tested positive for excessive amounts of protein in a meat test taken immediately after yesterday’s race. If “B”, “C”, “D”, and “E” samples from the pair, to be tested in Gantner’s Gardens at 11:30 am this morning, also show excessive amounts of protein, their finishes will be thrown out. Guido that he always had an unusually-high amount of protein, offering to have his personal butcher provide years of evidence. Wurst vehemetly denied the charge after bonking on Friday, claiming, “I drowned my sorrows in Icehouse instead of my usual Miller Lite, so between that and my miraculous recovery from Friday’s race, that threw my body chemistry off. I categorically deny taking any sausage-enhancing drugs.”
Brewers’ owner Mark Attanasio was not impressed by these denials, ordering Brett Wurst and Guido suspended until this matter is fully-digested. They will be replaced by Dr. Z and Vito Corleone in today’s race.